pulling earth

today is one of those days that i just can't wait to go home and bury my head unda tha pillow and just bawl.
not cos im particularly sad or anything but becos i need an outlet.
for now, alcohol is passe. heh.
tho tha knowledge that mr jim beam is still somewhere lying around in my room is defly not helping either.
all i can think now is to get a swig of that all too familiar golden brown likwid. ahhh...tha scent, repulsive to some but i dig that very first whiff. u can always tell tha calibre of a drink by tha aroma that precedes tha taste. that's why i never smell first. i like that feeling when im totally engulfed by tha first few trickles that burns tha inna sides of my throat. so to steal a telling whiff will be like breakin' that "element of surprise", for tha lack of a better expression.
heh but like all tha rest of em, i will be tha first to leap up and say- hell, no...i'm not an alkie!
really...i am not. i just drink a lot. lol.

forever deviating.


i'm falling into a pattern that worries me.
thats why today i shed tha 'equivo-quotient' and tell it like it is.
no codes nor binaries will be transmitted today.
for tha very sap that i've thrived on are running on very low.
pleading with me to let them go.
to let emotion supercede intellect and logic for once.
not the wisest of decisions. yes, i know.

i worry for tha prospect that i may have become what i have staunchly advocated against...
so weak.
so soft.
so unpurposeful.
so retarded by emotions.
so unlike me.
so very, unlike me...

who allows such treachery? to steal me from me.

so unfair.

hopefully tomorrow when I wake, my soul will once again recognise me.